I HAVE FINALLY FOUND THE ONE AND ONLY TRUE RELIGION

Voodoo is the white side of the one true religion that originated with the original people in Africa, the birth place of human beings.  Juju is the dark side of that practice.   

So, every body has been worshiping the wrong gods.  The Great Juju, lives at the bottom of the ocean; and she is  not happy.  

You think the world is experiencing global warming? Wrong. 

The great Juju at the bottom of the sea is having PMS, so you better get your act straight and sacrifice a chicken as penance for worshiping false gods. 











If you don't repent, the zombie apocalypse could be next.

Juju loves me, this I know
For Marie LaVeau told me so
But if I don't respect her spells
She will send me down to hell

But, don't eat the chicken
the OL'Buzzard

A BUZZARD EGG OMELET 2017

Why do we need a C in our alphabet?   You could easily replace it with a K and 90% of the words would sound the same.   For the few words where K won’t fit an S would work just fine.

And let’s drop the requirement for U to follow Q … qeen, qack, qake, qeer.  It would make Scrabble easier. 

Nobody ever lost money underestimating the intelligence of the American public.       P. T. Barnum

A child understands nothing, and clings to faith because it lacks knowledge.    Salman Rushdie 

I didn’t wash today.   I wasn’t dirty.  If I’m not dirty I don’t wash.   Some weeks I don’t have to shower at all.   I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair and ass hole.   To save time I use the same brush.

George Carlin

I would enjoy living in a sane asylum.

Hanlon’s Razor:  Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.  

If all civilian ammo clips were limited to nine rounds the Orlando night club shooter would have had to reload 23 times.

A Texas sharp shooter:  You shoot a hole in the barn door and then draw a target around it.

You can never wade in the same river twice.

It is not that I am obstinate; but if I were to drown my wife would first search for me up stream.

If militia nuts want to carry and play army with assault weapons they should join the Marines and actually defend the Constitution of the United States - but most wouldn't make the intelligence cut.   

Why do vampire hunters always arrive at the crypt just as the sun is setting?

Americans are at the bottom of competency test in math and science when compared to other industrialized countries, which accounts for their willingness to buy into the most outrageous fallacious claims. 

Philip Ward 

EARTH’S POPULATION

1800:  1 Billion

1930:   2 Billion

1960:   3 Billion

1974:   4 Billion

1987:   5 Billion

1999:   6 Billion

2012:   7 Billion

11:47 a.m. 12/22/17:   7,590,879,794

2050:   10 Billion projected

http://www.worldometers.info/world-population/

If you are preparing for the zombie apocalypse you have a long wait; because regardless of what Christians chose to believe, zombies do not exist and never have.

Logic Argumentum ad Ignorantiam – something is so because it has not been proven it is not so… and the reverse.

All politics is local.   All education is local.

A single sperm has 37.5 megabits of DNA information.   A normal ejaculation transfers about 1,587 gigabits in about three seconds; and you thought 4G was fast.

Unknown – but I read it somewhere

Homo Sapiens have expanded to 7 billion and we threaten every other species on earth.    Marcus Chown

There is someone in my head and it’s not me.   Pink Floyd

Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes.  Jackie Kennedy

For we live to know is known

And all we seek to keep is flown

Let life than as the day flower fall

Tamerlane - Poe

There are surely other worlds than this – other thoughts than the thoughts of the multitude.   Edgar Allen Poe

We are just an advanced breed of monkey on a minor planet of a very average star.   Stephen Hawking

DID I RUN and AM I TIRED?

the Ol’Buzzard

ATHEISM IS A RELIGIOUS TERM

It is understandable if a person wants to identify themself by their belief in a religion, a church, a political party, an ethnicity…; but it absolutely makes no sense that you would feel the need to identify yourself by what you do not believe.

I do not believe in vampires, werewolves, zombies, big foot, fairies, alien autopsies, ghost or things that go bump in the night.

I do not believe that the world is flat or that the sun rotes around the earth.

I do not believe that dinosaurs and humans existed at the same time

I do not believe that a snake whispered to a woman who ate an apple which brought sin into the world.

I do not believe that a six-hundred-year-old man and his hundred-year-old sons built a boat and sailed on a flood that mixed salt water and fresh water, carrying two of every animal on earth, and that upon landing a kangaroo hopped twelve thousand miles across three continents to go home to Australia.

I do not believe that a child was born to a virgin.

I do not believe that statues bleed. 

I do not believe in devils and demons and angles and gods, or in a physical heaven or hell.

I do not believe a man god walked on water, or that a brutal human sacrifice was performed to ‘take away the sins of the world.’

The name Atheist is a religious term that supposes the legitimizing of religious beliefs and proposes to delegitimize anyone that doesn’t accept the fairy tale. 

If you feel the need to attach a name to me to identify what I don’t believe in, me you might just call me sane – I can live with that.

the Ol’Buzzard

FOR LEEANNA

The walking dead don't stand a chance!







Or do they?

the Ol'Buzzard

HOCUS POCUS

Casey was not afraid of ghost.  But, every night when she walked home she had to pass the City Cemetery and the thought of all those hundreds of putrefying bodies buried just a few feet away creeped her out.

Can a child die from fright, from his own…imagination?

‘Johnny, there is no monster under the bed.  I just looked.’

‘Yes, but Dad, he isn’t there until you leave!’

Molly is blind.   Her parents don’t believe her when she says that for the past two nights there has been tapping at her window and a voice whispers ‘Please let me in.’    Her mom says it is just wind and rain; but Molly doesn’t think so.   Tonight she will leave the window open.

How hungry do you have to be to eat the flesh of another human being?  Some might call it cannibalism, but I call it survival.
 

I knew grandma was dead when I opened the front door, but I still called her name as I climbed the stairs.  Outside her bedroom door I hesitated; I put my hand on the knob, but couldn’t turn it: that smell

Three days till Halloween
the Ol'Buzzard

use it you want.  You are welcome.O'B

ALERT! THERE IS NO PLACE TO GO

Vampires only come out at night (the same with werewolves) and vampires have to be invited in.  A cross seems to work for protection from a vampire, unless it happens to be Jewish (or Muslim or Hindu...,) and silver will will repel werewolves.  In both cases just stay in your home and don't go into the woods at night on a full moon.  

BUT ZOMBIES CAN WALK UNDER WATER SO THERE IS NO PLACE TO HIDE!

A safety message from
the Ol'Buzzard

HALLOWEEN

I am some disappointed.  Here it is the day before Halloween and after searching the online TV guide for Halloween movies I came up with nothing except a Michael Myers marathon – and that sux.

As I have stated on other blogs I don’t believe in ghost and goblins and things that go bump in the night; but I love Halloween and movies of monsters and witches and things that represent this season. 

 

Actually, my wife and I celebrate Halloween.   Halloween for us evolved from the times of witchcraft: maidens, mothers and crones – a time when wise women practiced medicine with herbs and spells and offered hope to people in special need. 

  

Witches, if you will, were uniquely in touch with the cycles of nature, as only women can be.   Men and religions over the centuries have suppressed these connections, until today girls and women and crones do not even realize the power they possess – they do not celebrate their nature. 

Halloween is their time, a time of witches, a time of women – It is the quintessential holiday for women.  A time for women to celebrate all stages of their life and renew their connections with Mother Nature.

 the Ol'Buzzard

GHOST AND GHOULS AND GOBLINS, OH MY!

Yellow Dog Granny tells a GHOST STORY on her blog.

(check out the link above)

I can’t remember the number of people that I actually respect that have told me ghost stories; but over seven decades it has been quite a few.  

I don’t believe in ghost and goblins and things that go bump in the night.  I do believe that there is a small veil between the conscious and the unconscious – the same unconscious that gives us dreams.  

Here is my reasoning:

I don’t believe that mankind is somehow divine among the animal kingdom.   That there is actually a god in our image and that after death we continue on.   If that were true then evolution would be untrue. 

I place ghost in the same category as vampires and werewolves.    As long as we are truly safe we love to be scared – no one really wants to live through a zombie apocalypse, but we love to watch it on TV.

A friend of mine, that I respect, says he saw the specter of a Civil War soldier while renovating an old vacant home in rural Maine.  He said the specter was dressed in a Confederate uniform; a woman I know claims to have seen a lady in a white nightgown at a supposed haunted bed and breakfast; numerous people claim to have seen a Confederate officer on a white horse at night in the Battleground Cemetery in Vicksburg, Mississippi.  The list could go on and on. 

One of my rational objections is the clothes.    People are born without clothes.   Clothing is strictly a social amenity.   Why would dead people come back clothed?   Is there a ghost wardrobe available after you die?   Can you check out a ghost horse and saddle and bridal and sword along with your uniform before you decide to reappear?   Or, do your clothes die with you and come back as ghost in their own right?

How come the Confederate officer can have his ghost horse and yet the two cats that I loved and lost won’t come back and stay with me?

Are there ghost birds and eagles and bats, or are humans somehow special.   At what point in the evolutionary development of mankind does this ghost ability evolve: Australopithecus – Robust – Heidelbergensis - Neanderthal?   At what point does man become divine?

When we are in our fight or flight mode is our mind capable of playing tricks on us?   I think so.   But, it doesn’t make it any less spooky.

 

 Oh My.

the Ol’Buzzard    

.

http://yellowdoggrannie.blogspot.com/2015/10/ghosts-spooks-spirits-living-dead.html

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES

I just finished reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen and Seth Graham-Smith (who once took a class is English Literature.)

Though on first sight one might pass the book off as part of the fluff collections of the horror genera; but, I challenge you to read the first twenty pages and then put the book away.  

I have never read any of Jane Austin’s, or had any desire to try one of this ilk; but the inclusion of zombies have made the book both palatable and intriguing – forcing me to carrying on to the end of what otherwise would have been a soupy love story.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is a love story that is absolutely ridiculous to the point of absurdity – with enough violence and gore to excite the most harden horror fan.

the Ol’Buzzard   

IT'S COMING - IT'S COMING - IT'S COMING - SOON!

I CAN'T WAIT!

Who wouldn't like to be a pirate?

the Ol'Buzzard

WHEN IT’S WINTER UP IN MAINE…

Well, the noreaster (blizzard) has finally arrived in western Maine.    It was supposed to hit last night about midnight, but is must have stopped in Boston for some Baked Beans because the first light windblown snow started about an hour ago at seven a.m.

The news media is hyping this storm as a “monster storm,” but they are predicting less than two feet here in Maine.   Granted that is a considerable amount of snow in one storm, but for Christ sake this is Maine; and if you can’t handle a couple of feet of snow you need to move away.

Actually, here in the western mountains, it is not the snow we worry about; but as the snow accumulates the snow zombies roam down from Canada.   These are the creatures we scare the children with when they don’t behave: ‘The Canadian snow zombies will get you when you go sledding if you don’t eat your brussels sprouts.’

The danger from snow zombies is you can’t see them.   You are zipping down the ski trail on your cross country skis, or snowshoeing through the woodlot behind your house and the damn things rise out of the snow as you pass by, and are on you before you realize. 

Unlike the zombies in all the phony, unrealistic movies, the Canadian snow zombies often carry weapons.  They will either beat you to a bloody pulp with a carrion bone or slice you up with a sword before feasting on your body. 

   We won’t even mention what they will do to you if they catch you with your pants down taking a dump in the woods.   It is scary.

Realistically, you can’t kill a zombie.   They are already dead.  So, the idea that you can shoot them with a pistol or kill them with a cross bow is ludicrous.   The only thing the snow zombie is afraid of is a snow blower, and I gassed mine up yesterday.   

I don’t ski any more but I do occasionally snow shoe: but not this storm.   Because of the depth of the fresh accumulation forecast I think I will stay in the house until the threat of snow zombies has passed.   I will, however, have to go out back and clear and fill the bird feeders; so if I suddenly stop blogging you will know the worst has happened.

the Ol’Buzzard 

      

  

SURVIVING ARMAGEDDON - BE PREPARED

ZOMBIE ATTACK MAY BE IMMINENT!

Yesterday my wife and I drove to Augusta to renew my driver’s license; we ate lunch at the Great Wall Chinese Buffet and afterward went to our favorite store - Barnes and Noble Booksellers.

After checking out all the books on sale I perused the magazine section.  There was an obvious trend in both books and magazines for the sale, of ‘survivalist’ genera.  

The survival mentality is nothing new; this following has been around since the fifties and sixties when movies about Martian attacks and nuclear attacks encouraged a fantasy of survival after the end of civilization. 

Today, motivated by movies like The Walking Dead, there is a larger following then ever, and this is reflected at the book stores and magazine stands. 

Survivalist groups seem to be a spin-off of the militia movement, or vice versa.   The idea of putting on your cammies, grabbing your Bushmaster M-15 and heading for your ‘bug out shelter’ feeds the fantasies of Mad Max wanna-bees.    

Survivalist picture themselves in military attire, fighting off the looters and saving the young beautiful women (sorry – never the older or fat women) who will be forever dependent on them and reward them with sex and respect. 

There are corporations that feed this fantasy with books, magazines, equipment and internet sights.    In survivalist internet stores and catalogues you can purchase everything from freeze dried food to water packets with a twenty year shelf life, to weapons, to techno-equipment and even buckets to defecate in.

The magazine I looked at was full of high tech survival equipment: watches, cell phones, GPS, flashlights - most of it requiring batteries (manufacturers obviously aren’t planning on a long term survival situation.) 

People who live these fantasies find solace and acceptance in the company of other like-minded role players.   They are not alone, for they fall into the same category as UFO probees, big foot hunters, militiamen and ghost busters…  

It must be like living in the brain of Michele Bachmann: a Neverland of conspiracies and paranoia where Captain Hook rules the oceans, crocodiles tick like alarm clocks and civilization is defended by the few, the brave, the prepared – in their bug out bunkers.

the Ol’Buzzard

SNAFU

SITUATION NORMAL ALL FUCKED UP

When you read the blogs across the internet probably seventy percent of them are doom and gloom.   They expound about things going wrong in their state, their town or the world – and they are right.  Humanity is fucked up.  But there is nothing new. 

The human social condition is like war: there have always been wars and there will always be wars; the weapons change; the venue changes; the participants change but the results is always the same: people die.

The point I am making is: I am 70+ years old and I have seen it all before.  There has never been a time in my lifetime when everything was not fucked up.  My first memories are of the Second World War – then the McCarthy era, Southern states rights and segregation, the Korean War, the Cuban crisis, the Presidents assassination, Vietnam War, integration struggles, race wars, Nixon, Clinton’s blowjob, Russia, the Cold war, Bush years, Iraq…  Then each state, city and town had its own issues: corrupt police forces, corrupt politicians, religious intolerance, murder – rape - riots – carnage – shit, fire and molasses. 

It is amazing that we have the internet and we can express our frustrations and incredulousness with the state of our individual worlds; but nothing has changed and nothing will ever change.   The players will be different, the venues will be different, the crisis of the moment will be different; but the world will remain fucked up – that is the natural order for the human race.  

Most individuals are basically decent people; but as soon as we pack – we heard up – we take power over others we become corrupt.  That’s who we are. 

It is hard to find something positive to blog about – perhaps cats.  

But in the meantime my blog will join the majority seventy percent and continue to express wonder at the insanity the human race brings to bear against itself. 

There is a ZEN story about a man on a journey that builds a boat to cross the river then drags the boat with him for the next hundred miles. 

 

It is good to be cognitive – it is good to be aware – and it is fine to be troubled; but let us remember we all have eighty-six troubles and let’s not drag the boat once we have crossed the river.

Have a good day

the Ol’Buzzard

ZOMBIES IN LOVE

How does it feel to be a zombie in love? Do I eat her brain or make love to her? The life of a zombie with sensitive feelings is not all cannibalism and a walk in the park. After all zombies have feelings too.

Or so Isaac Marion would have us believe in his first novel Warm Bodies. The title caught my eye last week at the local library and so I brought it home and placed it by my bed. Last night I picked it up and read the first half. It is not Anna Karenina or Doctor Zhivago but it is worth a read.



The Ol’Buzzard