THE HOLY BIBLE- OL'BUZZARD VERSION: THE FLOOD

Noah’s son Ham approaches his mother Zipporah.

Mon says, “Where is your father?”

Ham, “He’s out in the backyard building on his boat.”

Mom, “Wish he’ spend as much time working for money as he spends on that boat.” 

Ham, “He says God told him to build the boat.” 

Mom, “Yes, and God tells him to go to the Happy Hole and spend his money every Friday before Sabbath.”

Ham, “Dad says God told him there is going to be a flood and we will need a boat.”

Mom, “you’re as dumb as your dad.  We’re in the middle of a desert.  We don’t need a boat.   We have a flash flood every spring and we all go up on the hill till the water goes down.”

Ham, “But dad says…”

Mom, “Oy vey .  My father arranged my marriage to dumbest and old carpenter in the town, all for a new wheelbarrow.   Now I have an ancient, senile husband and four retarded sons that are a chip of the block of stupid wood.”

Ham, “How old is dad?  He said six hundred when I asked him.”

Mom, “Holy Mother of Moses.  I give up.”

Later that year the spring rains come, and the dry river bed starts to swell.   The village is leaving for higher ground. 

Noah, “Come on Mother, get in the boat.   God is going to save us.”

Mom, “your drunk.   And you’ve got the boy’s drunk too.”

Noah, “God told us to drink as much wine as we can to lighten the load, so the boat will float.   Now you and the girls and kids need to get in the boat – God said to.”

“Mom, “The girls and babies and I are going up on the hill like we always do till the flood goes down.”  

Noah, slurring his words; “God told me to take two of every animal in the world, and the boys are loading them now – but there is still some room for you and the family.”  

Mom, “Two of every animal in the world?”

Noah’s son Japhet comes in the kitchen, “Pa, the cats won’t stay in the boat.   We’ve got the goats and the dogs in, but there ain’t enough room for the ass so I tied him to the back – he can swim so he should be all right.” 

  

Japhet scratches his ass and says, “I had Shem put in two chickens and two ducks like you said, but we only got one cow – what you want to do?”

Mom, “You’re not drowning the cow – she’s coming with me.”

Japhet, “Pa.  ain’t there more animals in the world than ducks, chickens, goats, dogs, cats and cows?”

Noah, “Now son, did you ever see any other animals?”

Son, “Naw Pa, but people say...”

Noah, “You see, that’s just fake news.  The true facts, God calls them alternative facts, is what you see and what I tell you.   Now did you load the food?”

Japhet, “We got that twenty-five gallons of wine you made and six loaves of bread like you said, and we got the fishing gear.   We can eat a chicken if we don’t catch fish.”

Noah, “You dumb fool, we can’t eat a chicken – God said there has to be two.”

Japhet, “but why two Pa?”

Noah, “You stupid shit, so we can breed more after the flood.”

Japhet, “But Pa, the chickens are both hens.  We don’t got no rooster.”

Noah, “Get in the damn boat.

Zipporah shakes her head and leaves with the boy’s wives and children. 

The rain continues for five days and the water rises to three feet. 

Up on the hill the residents are enjoying the yearly community flood gathering.   Noah’s wife occasionally hears her drunk husband and sons singing sailor shanties down in the valley.   

When the flood recedes, the villagers return to find Noah and his sons passed out on the roof of their house, the boat full of water and the animals gone.   There are some chicken and duck bones scattered about the roof. 

Years later Noah tells the story of the Ark and the flood to an Arab scribe who writes it down word for word. 

In Egypt God has the story read to him: “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…”   Then he tweets: What dumb asses, so funny, so stupid.   Sad

then

Will build a wall.  Jews will pay for it.

 the Ol'Buzzard