THE HOLY BIBLE – OL’BUZZARD VERSION EXODUS

EXODUS. OR HOW THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL SLIPPED ACROSS A SECURE BORDER TO TAKE JOBS AWAY FROM ARABS. 

WARNING – FOR ADULTS ONLY:

This story contains some of the Adult Themes and language used by President Donald Trump.

God tweeted: No voyeurism.  Fake news.   It’s a good thing to be friends with the Pharaohs.   Little Adam and crooked Eve. They were fired.  I’ll build a beautiful wall and Adam will pay.   Sad.

The children of Israel, the Jewish people who were the incestral  descendants of Adam and Eve had been kicked out of The Garden of Eden when God threw a temper tantrum.    They ended up in Egypt.

God tweeted: No collusion.  Jews very bad people.  Polls show I am very popular in Egypt.

Jewish preachers, known as Rabies, had convince the people they always suffered indignity and scorn because a woman had caused Adam to disobey God in the Garden of Eden - damn apple incident. 

 Finally, a proselytizer conman named Moses talked some of the slaves into disobeying their Egyptian masters and flee with him across the desert.  

It was an easy sell.

He promised them a new Eden that only they, the chosen people, should inhabit.   He was blindly followed by his base to the narrowest section of the Red Sea.

God tweeted:  Border Patrol agents not allowed to do their jobs.   Caravans coming.  Disgraceful.

The people were so pumped to be out of slavery that they partied at every opportunity - which didn’t please Moses.  

 Feeling he was losing control, Moses decided to stage dramatic intervention that would so impress his congregation they would fall back in line.  


Having memorized the tidal charts of Egyptian seamen, Moses knew that the Red sea was soon due for its yearly, dramatic low tide.  He went up on the side of the mountain and hid behind an outcropping until the tidal level begin to recede.

   Then coming out onto a rock shelf  and carrying a couple of flat stones he announced that God had talked directly to him and had given some commandments, written on stone tablets.     

Moses declared the people must follow these commandments or else they would be cast back into slavery.

·       Commandment Number One was to worship only the God that Moses proclaimed.    

·       Commandment Number two was to accept Moses as their leader and direct representative of God.

Some of the people wanted to see the flat rocks that God had written on; but they were blank, so Moses dropped them (oops) and they smashed.   One piece of the fragmented rock landed on Moses’ right foot and broke all the metatarsals.   This caused some people to laugh. 

 In pain and frustration Moses slammed his staff upon the ground and begin to swear.   He started throwing rocks at his congregation and calling them ingrates, and sons of swine, and fornicators with pigs.  

About that time, a man who was taking a dump on top of a hill overlooking the Red Sea, came running back and announced that an army was approaching from the east.    He also declared a miracle had occurred and there was now a dry path across the sea.

Everyone grabbed their packs and took off leaving Moses shouting and banging his staff on the rocky shelf. 

After having crossed the Sea the high tide returned.    It was then that people realized Moses was not with them.  Some said that they had last seen him dancing with glee on the side of the mountain as the people crossed the Sea.    

Later, the leaders tried to remember what Commandments Moses had laid down.  Everyone had been drunk at that time, so memories were not precise.    Abe said that it had something to do with only one God.  His brother Seth, who did not like sitting through daily worship services, said that he remembered Moses saying they should worship God one day a week.  Jeremiah, who was having trouble with his rebellious children, said that children should obey their parents.  Ezekiel, whose wife Ester was known to sleep around, declared that one of the commandments had been against adultery.  

It took most of all night and thirteen containers of fermented goat piss, but it was finally agreed that God, through Moses, had given the people Ten Commandments that they must follow. 

Meanwhile, the young God that had been given earth was spending his time watching Egyptian military battles during the day and hanging out in rich men’s harems at night.   He was not the least interested in the idiots who were wandering around aimlessly in the desert eating grass hoppers and drinking camel piss.

God tweeted: Dumb commandments.   Jews are criminals, rapist and Drug dealers, but some are good people.  Must protect Eden borders.  Will build a beautiful wall.   Harem rumors untrue – I call them fake news.  No one respects women like God.  

Next: the story of Noah.