WARNING! THE CHRISTIANS ARE COMING AND THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE PEOPLE.

 

the Ol'Buzzard

TURTLES ALL THE WAY DOWN

I never bring up the subject of religion with people (except expressing my views on the Buzzard blog.)   But I was in a waiting room the other day and reading Salman Rushdie’s new book Two Years, Eight Months and Twenty-Eight Nights – which has nothing to do with religion.  A man near me said he had tried to read Rushdie’s Satanic Verses but couldn’t get through it because the Muslim religion doesn’t make sense.

 I should have let it go, but I couldn’t help myself.    I told him all religious beliefs are a matter of geography.    If he had been born in Saudi Arabia he would be a Muslim, if he had been born in Tibet he would be a Buddhist, if he had been born in China he would probably be Taoist.

Here he was; a chance to confound a non-believer.   He asked me where I thought the universe came from.  I told him that theoretical Physicist propose that the universe began with the Big Bang.  

Aaa-ha, now he has me.  His got-ya question was; what was before the Big Bang?   Someone had to initiate the Big Bang, so it must be God. 

I know you shouldn’t talk religion with these people, and if my wife had been there she would have given me an elbow and shut me up, but I was already on his hook – so I replied:

It is well accepted by the scientific community that the universe began when the celestial turtle farted – what we call The Big Bang.  Each time the turtle farts he creates a new universe.   According to String Theory there are at least eleven parallel universes attributed to our turtle; but there are probably countless celestial turtles creating unlimited universes.   One of these turtles is what you have just described as God.

His answer was; we can agree to disagree (no we can’t, but I let it go at that.)

the Ol’Buzzard

AS CLOSE TO RELIGION AS I GET

I am a whiskey drinker.  Being a southern boy with Kentucky roots I was weaned to bourbon.  During my years in the military I drank Old Crow – usually buying it by the half gallon.   When I retired from the military and became gainfully employed I matriculated to Scotch and Irish Whiskey.  I haven’t had a mixed drink in fifty years; with the exception of Bloody Mary.  

I was converted to the sect of Bloody Mary in Vietnam.    On Tan Son Nhut Air Base in Saigon on Sunday morning between ten and noon the NCO Club had a special: Bloody Mary for a nickel.    Whenever I was in Saigon I would gather at the club with other lay people who chose to avoid Sunday church services, tithe a dollar, and partake of the bloody Eucharist, often with loud praise and adoration. 

A couple of weeks ago on a Sunday morning my wife and I traveled up to a great little restaurant in a rural section of north-western Maine just a few miles from the Canadian border.   I decided to have the eggs benedict with smoked salmon, and what better to have for a beverage than a Bloody Mary.   It was advertised as their ‘Signature Bloody Mary’ and that alone should have given me pause.   Instead of tomato juice they used canned whole tomatoes in a blender, adding vodka, some other secret ingredients and far too much Tabasco – this was topped off with an al’dente asparagus chute.  When they brought the watery abortion to the table there were chunks of tomato and enough tomato seeds in suspension to clog a straw, and the drink was so hot it burned the lips. 

I have witnessed the desecration of Bloody Mary before, but this was near the top.   The worst was at a hotel bar in Fairbanks, Alaska.  Their Bloody Mary was served with a jalapeno pepper at the bottom of the glass and two pickled string beans protruding – the only adjective I can link to describe their drink is: Nasty. 

Making a Bloody Mary is simple: Ice in the bottom of the glass, salt on the ice, two shots of vodka and tomato juice.  That is a Bloody Mary at its most basic, and I can worship on that.    If you want more tang to complete the transubstantiation add the Trinity: a squeeze of lemon, a dollop of Worcestershire sauce and a spritz of hot sauce (I prefer Louisiana Hot Sauce to Tabasco, as it adds the flavor without the heat.)  If you feel the need for a vegetable to stir, a stalk of celery works.  Anything beyond this is an abomination.

In Leviticus, Buzzard sharia law, chapter 13 verse 2 it states that anyone mixing a Bloody Mary with any liquor other than vodka should be driven through the streets in sackcloth and crucified on a mountain of Smirnoff bottles; and verse 3 states that anyone making a Bloody Mary with commercial Bloody Mary mix should be stripped naked, given a Tabasco enema and made to dance on a bed of shattered ice cubes – the option would be stoning.

From the Church of the Blood of Mary I wish you a happy Sunday.  

the Ol’Buzzard 

MUSLIMS ARE NOT THE REAL DANGER TO AMERICA

Once a year Muslims in Texas meet at the State Capital to celebrate their American heritage. 

Muslim terrorist are creating havoc in the Middle East; but here in the United States the real danger to individual freedom comes not from the Muslim community, but from the fundamentalist Christian cabal.   They would establish their version of Christian rule that would be every bit as draconian as Islamic Sharia Law.

These people would send us back to the eighteenth century where church clerics could condemn people to the stocks, or public whipping, public shaming, imprisonment or worse for defying their interpretation of Christian law.

These radicals are not to be laughed at, for they have already infiltrated the highest levels of our government and are accepted and placated by the Republican Party

.

This type of vitriol, bigotry and intolerance is beyond freedom of speech – these people are capable of blind rage and violence in the name of their God, and they are seeking a Christian Nation.    

 Sound familiar?

Be afraid - be very afraid.

the Ol’Buzzard

FORTY DAYS AND NIGHTS OF RAIN

So far we have had three days of torrential rain here in western Maine, but there are still thirty-seven more to go to match the Biblical downpour.   It makes me wonder if Pentecostals are beginning to sing and dance and talk in unknown tongues, and lining up for the Rapture.  

Did you ever really consider what cataclysmic event would be required to drown the entire earth in forty days and nights of rain?  

We have mountains here in western Maine just shy of four thousand feet in elevation, and that is small for many ranges.   It would have to rain one hundred feet a day during the forty days and nights in order to cover these mountains and drown the people of Rangeley, Maine.  That amounts to approximately four feet an hour.   At four feet am hour rainfall the atmosphere would be so heavy with water you would drown just by breathing.   In other words, God probably wasted thirty-nine days and twenty-three hours of rainfall during his rage against mankind. 

But, fundamentalist people continue to believe verbatim the story of Noah and all the other fables of the Bible.   These people are as dirt ignorant as they are enthusiastic for their religion.

However, they are also enthusiastic voters. 

the Ol'Buzzard

WHY BOTHER - POLITICAL APATHY

I have decided to quit listening to Chris Matthews on MSNBC.   Up until this week my wife and I would tune into Chris while we ate supper.   After his program I always feel like lowering my head and charging into the wall.  

And what for?  

Why get wound up over something I have absolutely no power to change – and change to what?   The reality is that I have no option but to live through political changes I have no power to influence.  

I do not have money enough to buy my Senators and Congress Persons…    Presidential elections are decided not by my vote but by an electoral college appointed by political parties; and as far as a popular vote, it is obvious that that can be, and is being manipulated on a state level by these same political parties.

And even if my vote did count; a small, organized, vocal minority - the Republican minions (also known and the Tea Party and the Christian Fundamentalist – people who are capable of believing that Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin are intelligent choices to govern us) can influence one of the only two viable political parties we have as a choice to the shithouse rat crazy extremes – which in turn can be manipulated by the billionaires whose actual goal is to establish an Oligarchy..

(Wow what a fucking sentence!  I think I will leave it alone and won’t edit…)

I will still listen to Rachel Maddow – she doesn’t rant and rave – and to Bill Maher and Vice on HBO for the WOW factor of crazy shithouse rat political machinations, which are nothing if not entertaining.

Politics to me is a voyeuristic sport, like professional football; something I have absolutely no power or ability to influence.   But, just because I am not capable of participating on any meaningful level does not mean that I don’t find it entertaining.     I just don’t need to get wound up over something I can not control. 

Spring is coming to western Maine, the daffodils are up and it is a beautiful overcast day.   I am going to have cereal and blueberries for breakfast this morning while we watch Rachel Maddow’s program that we taped last night.

Have a good day

the Ol’Buzzard