DOG BITCHING

I am not an anti-dog person, but I am an anti-dog person person. 

I have owned dogs.  I have had hunting hounds, basset hounds, one Irish Wolf Hound and two German Shepherds – I love German shepherds.

I understand the love people have for their dogs; but dog owners should understand that no one else is required to love their dog. 

I object to going into a restaurant and seeing someone there with their dog, either in their lap or on the floor under the table.   I do not understand why anyone thinks it is alight to take their dog into a supermarket while shopping for food.   I don’t understand why someone feels they need to put their dog on a leash and walk it downtown where it can piss on the side of buildings or trees and leave dog turds in the flower bed in front of the post office.  

We have a small park in the center of our town, about a quarter of an acre.  There is a gazebo and beautiful shade trees and some nice benches.   It would be a beautiful place to have lunch in the summer, but dog owners use it as a dog potty.     And picking it up in a plastic sandwich bag doesn't make it all right. 

I have a neighbor that has two dogs that bark at me every time I go in or out of my house. 

I don’t own a dog so I should never step in dog turds when I am walking in my own yard.  

I don’t dislike dogs, but I do dislike irresponsible dog owners that inflict their dogs on the public.  

I miss owning a dog, but they are too much maintenance for me at this point of my life – so I share our home with two Maine Coon Cats; but the cats are kept indoors and are not imposed on anyone unless you visit their house.

My wife says that as I get older I get grumpier – mayhaps that is the case.

the Ol’Buzzard

ENTREPRENEURSHIP

Maine’s incumbent governor ‘Pepe’ LaPage was just sworn in for his second term: meaning that I must be seriously out of step with other residents of the state.

LePage programs are aimed at cutting welfare, opposing a raise in the minimum wage, refusing Medicaid reimbursement money, cutting money from schools and colleges, and of course cutting taxes.

Like the rest of the Republican Party he gives lip service to encouraging entrepreneurship.

I have always had the vision of an entrepreneur, but never the motivation to jump through the hoops to complete and market a product. 

In the mid 1960’s I flew into Turkey with a Navy flight crew.   All the flight crews were buying worry beads to hang on their flight suites. 

When I returned to Maine I made worry beads from moose turds for my crew (dipping them in acrylics) and a pair of moose turd ear rings for my girlfriend.   About a year and a half later I found L.L. Beans selling moose turd swizzle sticks and jewelry at their outlet store.  

Another idea I had was to produce a home security package consisting of a large sign: WARNING, Do not enter, Attack Dogs Being Trained; and a bag of large dog turds from Mastiffs or Irish Wolf Hounds coated in acrylic, to be prominently displayed around the yard. 

It seems like most of my commercial ideas incorporate preserving turds of some type.   Maybe that speaks to the way of my character.

  

 Then there is the air bag motorcycle vest that inflates with helium instead of compressed air so you float away from the accident.

 Precisely measured bungee cords that allow people to jump out of high-rise apartment and office buildings in case of fire or emergency - or to avoid their boss, in-laws or x-significant-other.     

Blowup fantasy sex dolls, marketed to men who roll play armed militia - for their ‘bug-out shelter.’   The doll would be dressed in removable camouflage underwear, would have a pull string like the Chatty Cathy dolls and would say, “Ooo you are so manly,   You make me feel sooo safe,   Take me, Take me!    The dolls would be produced male or female, though I have a feeling the male doll would be the biggest seller.      

Virtual reality glasses that transforms your sex partner into any movie star or famous person that turns you on.  If your partner is never enthusiastic perhaps he or she need the glasses.   And if you feel really kinky, can you imagine having sex with either Einstein or Mother Teresa?    

   

Muslim Terrorist Prevention Emergency Kit:  a small zipper bag to be kept in your desk at work or on your person when traveling.  

The bag would contain a turban, a prayer shawl with the Arabic symbols for Allahu Akbar (God is Great) and a compass that points toward Mecca.   Don the disguise and drop to your knees in mock prayer during a terrorist attack and you may be spared – if not pull the cord on your motorcycle air bag and float away while throwing dog turds dipped in acrylic at the terrorist.

Perhaps it is just as well that I stuck to traditional occupation employment.

the Ol’Buzzard