Fundamentalist quote their New Testament, without ever realizing that the book wasn’t put
together until 325 A.D. Of course, by
then, the stories had been passed down and modified until they were no more
relevant than fairy tales
.
The same
goes for the Old Testament. Can you
imagine a six-hundred-year-old man and his one-hundred-year-old sons building a
boat, and then collecting two of every animal in the world; then sailing in a
flood that covered the earth, mixing salt water and fresh water… and the unicorns missed the boat.
Wikipedia
says that Moses was probably a legendary figure (like King Arthur) and not a
historic person. The main point of the
Moses story is the issuance of the Ten Commandments. Actually, the story happened something like
this:
A group of
indentured servants, after traveling for six days, fleeing bondage in Egypt,
had decided to rest from their travel at the base of Mt. Sinai. The people spent the day putting together a
celebration to thank the Gods, and to boost morale. As the evening came on and the fires were
lit people started to realize that old Moses was missing.
Eli, “Moses
always wants the recognition, but disappears every time there is work to be
done.”
Rachel, “You
shouldn’t be so hard on him. He’s
probably off praying.”
Eli, “Praying
my ass. He has probably been dipping
into the fermented camel milk and is sleeping it off somewhere on the mountain.”
Moses, who
had been dipping into the fermented camel milk, listened from the cover of a
shelf above the company. He overheard everything.
Moses
decides to make an entrance. “Hear
ye, hear ye sinners, I have just returned from the top of the mountain where
God summoned me! God told me, that as your leader, you should follow me without
question, because only I know Gods plan.”
Eli, “Yeah
right.”
One of the
scribes, “A God actually spoke to you?
What did he say?”
Moses, “After
telling me that I’m the leader and that everyone should follow me without
question, HE gave me some rules that were written down on rock tablets, but I
dropped them and they broke on the treacherous way down the mountain. Not to worry though, because I know them by
heart.”
One of the
scribes, “Maybe we should write all this down.”
Moses, “Yeah,
that a good idea. Write all this down.”
Abe, “Moses,
what God were you talking with.”
Moses, “He
was the head God, the only God you are to worship. The one I say.”
The scribe
writes: No God but me.
Abe, “What
about the cow God?
Moses, “He
said if you worship any other god he will kill your children, your
grandchildren, your great grandchildren and your great-great grandchildren – to
the fourth generation.
The scribe
writes Don’t worship the cow.
Jacob, “God
damn!”
Moses, “You
can’t say that.”
The scribe
writes: Don’t swear at God.
Jacob, “We
have been traveling for six days. I know
this is important, but can we still have our party tonight?”
Moses, “God
says it’s OK.”
The Scribe
writes: Party on the seventh day is OK.
Marge, “Moses,
what else did God say?”
Moses thinks
for a minute, looks at his children, then says, “Children should obey their
parents.”
The
scribe writes it down
Moses, “And God
also said, no murder.
The scribe
writes: Murder bad.
From the
corner of his eye Moses sees Lev grab a feel of Moses’ wife’s ass. Moses says, “God said don’t fuck off on
your husband.”
The Scribe
writes: Adultery.
“What
else?” Someone shouts.
Moses is on
a roll now. “You can’t steal.”
The
scribe writes it down.
Eli shouts, “Moses,
you are full of shit.”
Moses, “That’s
a lie, you are not allowed to say that.”
The scribe
writes: Can’t call someone a liar.
And Moses
adds: Lev, you horn dog, you are always ogling my wife, or my daughters, or
my serving girl; even my own ass. God
will get you for that.
The scribe
writes: Don’t covet wife, daughter, serving girl or donkey of neighbor.
This all
took place about one thousand four hundred years B.C. Over the eons the Ten Commandments have
been edited and polished, in order to read better and to keep control of the
punters.
Later that
night Moses got drunk on Camel beer and added some more commandments that the
scribes didn’t write down:
1. If you open wine you must drink it
all
2. It is not adultery if it is with a
chicken
3. Don’t use the chicken for the soup
4. If you see an Arab, drop your drawers
and show your ass
5. It is all right to fart when you feel
like it, but especially when you come home in the dark, so your wife can
recognize you.
6. If you take a crap you must wash your
crack, and if you don’t have water, use sand.
There may have
been more, but the scribes were drunk, so we may never no.
the Ol’Buzzard
