MY BUCKET LIST IS EMPTY

I recently run across references to bucket list and that got me thinking.   A bucket list contains something that you always wanted to do but were never able.  

I can honestly say that I have done everything that I ever wanted to do.  

As a child my dreamed were of hunting and fishing and camping in remote wilderness areas; I ordered the U.S. Navy Survival Manuel and practically memorized it; I dreamed of canoe trips through wild rivers; I fantasized about living off the grid with a beautiful, sexy woman; I wanted to scuba dive and sky dive; I dreamed of living in the Alaska wilderness; and of cars and motorcycles.

As an adult:

·       I joined the Navy, and along with other assignments I spent eight years as a Navy survival instructor

·       I was a licensed Maine State Guide

·       I ran the Allagash river in Maine – a ten-day canoe trip.

·       And transited the Okefenokee swamps in a canoe – a ten-day trip

·       I was a licensed scuba diver and assistant instructor, and operated my own diving company in Florida.

·       My wife and I lived in an old, remote farmhouse with no water, electricity or sewerage while we attended college and made love.

·       We spent eleven years in the Indian and Eskimo villages of Alaska as teachers.

·       I have owned numerous motorcycles and cars

·       I made my first solo parachute jump when I turned seventy.

·       I live with a sensuous, sexy, intelligent woman

·       And so much more…

We still have little trips and we enjoy the same simple pleasures; but nothing that’s deserving of a bucket list is left for me to do.

the Ol’Buzzard

WHO IN THE PLUPERFECT HELL DUG ALL THESE HOLES

Who in the pluperfect hell dug all these holes – and I wish he would stop digging.

 

One of my favorite movies – a classic in black and white – is God’s Little Acre.  

In a way I identify with that movie, except instead of digging the holes, I have spent my life filling them in. 

I just had my septic tank pumped out and the kaka pumper man said that judging by the level in the tank I may need to replace my drain field in the near future: four or five grand.   

I have always looked down the road and believed I could see smooth riding ahead; but when I get there some son-of-a-bitch has filled the road with more holes.

  

I get a good income tax return and a cap falls off a tooth…   It seems there is always something to keep my head just above water level.

I have rolled past the hump of my seventh decade but unlike Tietie l don’t have the undying confidence that there is gold at the bottom of the next hole.  

Don’t get me fucking wrong.   I am a fortunate person and I know it.   I am in good health for my age; I have had great adventures; I am married to a beautiful young wife; I live in rural Maine in an area I love; I can still ride my scoot; I have two Maine Coon Cats and a bottle of John Jameson whiskey on the cupboard. 

But son-of-a-bitch, it would be nice if Tietie would quit digging holes.

Maybe I need to catch me an albino – and make him look through the ground and tell me the drain field is all right.

the Ol’Buzzard

ON DOGS AND DIETS AND RETIREMENT

I received this from a friend and am passing it on.
the Ol'Buzzard

A TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.