THE HOLY BIBLE – OL’BUZZARD VERSION

GENESIS: OR HOW IT CAME ABOUT THAT GOD CREATED THE WORLD.

WARNING – FOR ADULTS ONLY:

This story contains some of the Adult Themes and language used by President Donald Trump.

God was a young god.  Sometimes He would ask his father where He came from, but his father would tell Him to shut up and eat His honey.   His father and mother were always locking themselves in their celestial bedroom with other gods and goddesses, drinking wine and make strange noises - and they wouldn’t let him in.  

When God would complain to his mother, she would always tell him to go play.   God sulk in the corner for eons.   When his father asked Him what was wrong, God told his father that all the other children of gods had realms to play in, but He didn’t have one.   Finally, to shut him up, his father showed Him a small planet in a distance solar system and told Him He could have that planet – He could be God of that planet, if He would go away and leave the adults alone while they partied. 

In the beginning the earth was without form and void but it was full of dinosaurs.   God soon got tired of watching the dinosaurs so he killed them all.

God had attend the Wharton School of Creationism and now His father had given Him His own planet, so He felt quite confident as a Majestic Deity . 

 

He made lions; but the lions were always trying to eat each other, so He made sheep and zebras for the lions to eat; but the sheep and zebras were hungry.    He said, ‘fuck-it let them eat grass.’

God thought to Himself, I should have someone to worship me.  Here I am the God of this planet and these dumb animals don’t even know it.

He decided to make a man that looked like himself.    He built a beautiful garden with six apple trees and put the man in it.   But the man was always masturbating or else trying to mount the sheep, so God made a woman with the same anatomy as His mother, so that the man would have someone to have sex with, and leave the sheep alone. 

God would hide in the tree and watch the man and the woman fornicate, and that was cool; but the humans He had created were so engrossed with each other, they were not paying attention to him. 

So, God decided He would make some laws that His humans would have to obey, and that way the humans would have to recognize Him as their Lord and Creator.  

He brought the two people in front of him and told them they could eat the fruit from the other five scrawny apple trees, but they were not allowed to eat the apples from this best tree. 

 ‘That will teach them who is in charge and who they must worship,’ God thought. 

The man didn’t care which tree he ate from as long as Eve would put out.   But soon after God’s pronouncement, Eve had PMS.    She told Adam that God was and narcissistic idiot and a voyeur that was always trying to grab her by her pussy.   She said there was no reason for them not to have the best apples.    She told Adam he was cut-off until he grew a pair, stood up to God, and brought her the best fruit. 

Adam thought about it: Obey God and have no sex, or get her the damn apple and get laid.   The choice was easy. 

When Adam disobeyed God, God threw a temper tantrum and ran the humans out of the orchard.

After that Eve got pregnant, then pregnant again.   After a lot of incest there were the Jewish people in the land of Egypt.  

To be continued.   Next the tale of Moses.