WARNING! DO NOT VACATION IN MAINE!

My wife and I were watching LONGMIRE, the sheriff of Absaroka County, Wyoming; a character created by Craig Johnson and now a new series on A&E TV.

During a commercial I commented that considering that there was at least one violent murder in this small rural county every week - why the hell would anyone want to live there?

My wife laughed and pointed out that we live in Maine and in Jessica Fletcher’s Cabot Cove there were up to two or more murders every week day; and that Cabot Cove would have to be the murder capital of the world – per capita – according to Murder She Wrote. The only reason that there is still people left in Cabot Cove is that clam diggers and lobster fishermen must breed like rabbits.

And of course she is right. And then there is Stephen King.

Thanks to Stephen King, if you traveled through Chamberlain, Maine near Lisbon you might run into Carrie White; who covered in pig’s blood could wreak unbelievable mayhem on you.

North of Brunswick, at Salem’s Lot, you could find yourself in the scariest vampire story ever written (If you sat through movie version I feel sorry for you.)

Then near Bangor, in the town of Derry, you could happen on a clown that lives in the sewer - It is not a nice place to visit.

In Haven, a town of less than five thousand, supernatural deaths are as normal as a trip to Wal-Mart; and you might come down with the Tommyknockers’ disease that is caused by an alien space craft.

Let’s not forget the alien invasion in the great north woods near Millinocket where your only protection will be a Dream Catcher.

And, take this warning: whatever you do, don’t get into a red and white Plymouth Fury called Christine.

Even a woods vacation isn’t safe: for in the unincorporated township TR-90 you might find a Bag of Bones and the ghost of a blues singer haunting your cabin.

In western Maine, near where I live, you definitely don’t want to play sex games with your husband and allow him to hand cuff you, necked, to a bed in a rural cabin on a remote lake in late Fall of the year - for he might drop dead on the floor next to you and leave you in a real fix, as happened in Gerald’s Game.

Whatever your plans are please stay away from Castle Rock, near Freeport, when you are visiting L.L. Beans, for you never know if you will run into a rabid Saint Bernard named Cujo, or feel the need to buy some Needful Things at the local antique store – a real mistake.

This is only a small smattering of the danger of vacationing in Stephen King’s Maine. So, out-of-staters BEWARE!   We have every hazzard up here except zombies...Oops! 

if you go to Bangor stay away from the Pet Cemetary.

the Ol'Buzzard