SELLING ON ebay

My beautiful wife and I live an independent, solitary life style – somewhat off the grid.   We supplement our heating cost by heating with wood when the temperatures allow, we have gas lights installed in our cabin for use when we lose electricity, and I do all my on maintenance and upkeep – including snow removal in the winter which is no small chore. 

We know that at some time in the future the rigors of this lifestyle will make it difficult for my wife to sustain when I am gone, so we are considering sometimes in the future moving into a more manageable abode – perhaps a condo where the maintenance is not an issue. 

This poses the question of what to do with all the STUFF we have collected over the past thirty-five years.     So, as an answer I have determined to start selling some of our STUFF on ebay.

  

So far I have sold one item and I am $46.28 in the hole after expenses. 

Ain’t entrepreneuring great?

the Ol’Buzzard

HEAVEN WITHOUT CATS?

fuck-um.  Another reason not to buy into religion.

the Ol'Buzzard

THE GULLIBILITY OF PEOPLE FEEDS RELIGION

I was channel checking this morning (Sunday) waiting for Meet the Press and happened to pause to marvel at a megachurch in the frenzy of religious mania.   It looked as though there could have been a thousand people packed into this massive auditorium, three tiers deep.   The preacher was shouting and pointing up in the air, and the congregation was all standing and waving their arms and pointing their fingers toward the ceiling.

What the hell is this pointing toward the sky?   Do they really think that the cosmos doesn’t exist and that somewhere above them is a physical second story housing all of their dead relatives – the home of God?

My grandmother told me that when she was a young bride and living in western Kentucky there had been the unusual occurrence of a northern lights display.   People in that part of Kentucky had never seen the aurora and many were crying in their yards or out in the road praying – they were sure it was the end of the world – the Rapture.   That was in the 1920’s.

After my wife and I left Alaska we moved to Kentucky – the town of my earliest memories – the town of my grandfather’s people.  We ended up leaving because the religious fanaticism was smothering.   We were there during the millennium and the people were actually preparing for and expecting the Rapture and the return of Christ (I was worried about my computer dumping.) 

All the pictures of the Rapture show everyone clothed – often in white robes; but what if you are necked and in the shower; or drawing a piece of ass; or in the middle of a good crap?   Are you snatched up as you are, or does Jesus give you a chance to wipe your ass and pull your pants up?   I am sure the answer must be someplace in the Bible.   If I am ever around one of those megachurch-preachers I think I’ll ask him.

the Ol’Buzzard

COLONOSCOPY

Yesterday and not for the first time, I experienced the voyage of the Enterprise up my nether part.   It takes a brave crew to venture there for who knows what aliens may be encountered. 

The procedure was scheduled for Thursday morning and the instructions were to have ‘my last meal’ on Tuesday night.   After that I was to have only clear liquids up until midnight on Wednesday and then nothing.

But there was an add-on: starting at noon on Wednesday I was to begin consuming one gallon of the nastiest liquid ever devised, one ten ounce glass at a time, at fifteen minutes intervals.  

Being a math person I instantly recognized one gallon of witch's brew translated to 128 ounces – divided by ten ounce glasses – divided by four glasses an hour meant that I would be gagging down this disgusting fluid for over three hours at fifteen minute intervals.

    

To ingest one gallon of any liquid (other than beer) in three hours is a feat in itself - this is more than should be expected of any human being.  The diarrhea that resulted was actually a relief knowing that that evil alchemist concoction would not forever remain a part of my system. 

  

After sitting on the Iron Throne for a few hours, what was left of me was finally able to go to bed, only to get up at five in the morning to watch my wife eat breakfast before heading for the day surgery. 

The best part of the whole procedure was the happy-shot they administered just before they violated me. 

You would think when I awoke I could have at least expected a mint on my pillow. 

 

Poor wife

The gas still remains

the Ol’Buzzard

I'M SO OLD

HOW OLD AM I?

I'm so old I remember ice boxes.  
When I lived in Kentucky the ice delivery man would come about every three or four days and deliver ice in 25 or 50 pound blocks

I'm so old that I remember car air conditioning before air conditioners. 
You added water and the ram air from the forward motion of the car would cool the air and vent it into the car through the passenger window.

I'm so old I remember soft drinks available only in bottles.

 I'm so old I remember bottle openers.

I'm so old I remember cold water bath soft drink dispensers.

I'm so old I remember telephones before dial phones.
My grandmother and grandfather separated and he had one of these phones in his hotel room.  The town I lived in in Mississippi had no dial service and was answered by an operator when you picked up the receiver - ours was a standard type phone but without the dial.

I'm so old I remember cars with back doors that opened backwards.  A real danger if a kid or someone opened the door while in forward motion.

I'm so old I remember kerosene cook stoves.   
You poured kerosene in a glass jar that was then turned upside down and placed in the receiver box sticking out from the stove, and then lit the burner with a match in order to cook - yes they smelled.

I'm so old I remember vacuum tube radios.

I'm so old I remember  black and white TV's with a twelve inch screen
The first TV I ever saw was at an uncle's house in Chicago about 1948.  It had a round screen about nine inches in diameter and all the pictures were fuzzy. 

I'm so old I remember collecting Straight Arrow Indian Cards in Nabisco Shredded Wheat.
I didn't like the cereal but I wanted the cards so I ate Shredded Wheat.

I'm so old that I remember radio before television was available.

I'm the Ol'Buzzard

IRELAND DID IT

Why not here?
the Ol'Buzzard

ASSHOLE

If you walk into a movie theater or playhouse and don’t turn your phone off you are an asshole.

If you are seated at a restaurant and carry on a conversation on your cell phone you are an asshole.

If you are sitting at a restaurant with one or more friends and take out your phone to check your messages you are an asshole.

If you are driving and talking on your phone you are an asshole (and if you are driving and texting you are a fucktard asshole.)

If you are driving less than two car lengths from the car in front of you, you are an asshole.

If you are at a restaurant and talking and laughing excessively loud you are an asshole.

If you leave your dog unattended in a car you are an asshole.

If your dog craps anywhere other than your own yard you are an asshole.

If your dog or cat is allowed to run free outside of your yard you are an asshole.

If you take your dog into a store or a restaurant you are an asshole.

If you carry a firearm into any a restaurant, store or any public venue you are an asshole.

If you feel that everyone else should defer to your religious beliefs you are an asshole.

This is just the short list: feel free to add to it at will. 

 

the Ol’Buzzard