Friday, July 27, 2012



When I was in the Navy I use to say that you knew the day was shitty if the best thing that has happened to you was the crap you had that morning.  

Now that I am older and wiser and don’t tend to rush through my days, and as a result I have come to appreciate a good crap.  This morning ritual now takes on the closest thing that I have to a religious experience: Zen meditation - a melding of mind, body and spirit with the natural world.

My wife knows that I am available 23 hours and fifty-five minutes out of every day to do her bidding.   But, when I am on the throne I do not want to hear about the latest happenings or problems, the news of the day, or take someone’s message on the telephone.  I don’t even want to hear the cat yowling or scratching at the door: Sanctum Sanctorum.

After great meditation on the subject I have come to understand that all craps are not alike – each has its own personification.   So, in the spirit of understanding I have named them:
·       ROMNEY:  Soft and squishy – no form
·       BOEHNER:  Like passing a pine cone – makes you cry
·       BACHMANN:  Diarrhea
·       RYAN: After a lot of grunting and straining you have to lie about the small results.
·       MC CONNELL:  Constipation
·       BUSH CHENEY:  A huge smelly turd
·       ANN COULTER:  A gas attack
·       DONALD TRUMP:  A routine evacuation

I hope that in the spirit of sharing you will come to appreciate the thought and study I have focused on this subject.   With renewed concentration you too may learn to live in the moment of the porcelain bowl and find that basic connection with all humans past, present and future. 

the Ol'Buzzard


  1. When I only spent 5 minutes on the reading stool in the library it's a case of "No Shit"!! Or should I say "McConnell"?? No sense forcing it, it'll all come out OK in the end.

  2. Gosh, I can't wait for my next cosmic moment of the porcelain bowl to see who I get. I always like to get a new twist on life's finer moments. LOL

  3. Nine out of ten constipated people don't give a shit. The tenth, a mathematician, worked it out with a pencil.

  4. Just yesterday I was thinking I would love to write about the fabulousity of a good crap but here you've beaten me to it.

    I do believe I'm obsessed with crappage - maybe it's because I have Crohn's disease and some day it will likely be the end of me – but we spend so much time either doing it or thinking about doing it and not talking about it ... it all seems so silly, doesn't it?

    Anyway, you made me smile. So thanks!


COMMENT: Ben Franklin said, "I imagine a man must have a good deal of vanity who believes, and a good deal of boldness who affirms, that all doctrines he holds are true, and all he rejects are false."