Saturday, June 22, 2013

WARNING! DO NOT VACATION IN MAINE!




My wife and I were watching LONGMIRE, the sheriff of Absaroka County, Wyoming; a character created by Craig Johnson and now a new series on A&E TV.

During a commercial I commented that considering that there was at least one violent murder in this small rural county every week - why the hell would anyone want to live there?

My wife laughed and pointed out that we live in Maine and in Jessica Fletcher’s Cabot Cove there were up to two or more murders every week day; and that Cabot Cove would have to be the murder capital of the world – per capita – according to Murder She Wrote. The only reason that there is still people left in Cabot Cove is that clam diggers and lobster fishermen must breed like rabbits.

And of course she is right. And then there is Stephen King.



Thanks to Stephen King, if you traveled through Chamberlain, Maine near Lisbon you might run into Carrie White; who covered in pig’s blood could wreak unbelievable mayhem on you.



North of Brunswick, at Salem’s Lot, you could find yourself in the scariest vampire story ever written (If you sat through movie version I feel sorry for you.)

Then near Bangor, in the town of Derry, you could happen on a clown that lives in the sewer - It is not a nice place to visit.



In Haven, a town of less than five thousand, supernatural deaths are as normal as a trip to Wal-Mart; and you might come down with the Tommyknockers’ disease that is caused by an alien space craft.

Let’s not forget the alien invasion in the great north woods near Millinocket where your only protection will be a Dream Catcher.

And, take this warning: whatever you do, don’t get into a red and white Plymouth Fury called Christine.



Even a woods vacation isn’t safe: for in the unincorporated township TR-90 you might find a Bag of Bones and the ghost of a blues singer haunting your cabin.

In western Maine, near where I live, you definitely don’t want to play sex games with your husband and allow him to hand cuff you, necked, to a bed in a rural cabin on a remote lake in late Fall of the year - for he might drop dead on the floor next to you and leave you in a real fix, as happened in Gerald’s Game.



Whatever your plans are please stay away from Castle Rock, near Freeport, when you are visiting L.L. Beans, for you never know if you will run into a rabid Saint Bernard named Cujo, or feel the need to buy some Needful Things at the local antique store – a real mistake.



This is only a small smattering of the danger of vacationing in Stephen King’s Maine. So, out-of-staters BEWARE!   We have every hazzard up here except zombies...Oops! 



if you go to Bangor stay away from the Pet Cemetary.

the Ol'Buzzard

11 comments:

  1. "Ol' Buzzard's World View" has been included in the A Sunday Drive for this week. Be assured that I hope this helps to point even more new visitors in your direction.

    http://asthecrackerheadcrumbles.blogspot.com/2013/06/a-sunday-drive_23.html

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  2. OB,
    Lock them door, load that 12 guage, and sip that crow. Chief, you will be fine.

    Fantasic post!


    Bests,

    Sarge

    Me? Ten more zaps and I am done...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are on the countdown - stay strong.
      OB

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  3. Welp, I guess I'm going to have to read Gerald's Game. Only one I haven't read. Christine got my nephew reading which shocked the entire family. Cujo is really scary since it was something that really could happen now with rabies getting so prevalent.

    And now that you've reminded me that all those tales took place in Maine, I do believe I'll stay in NY instead of visiting up there. Not that it's all that much safer, I just won't have to spend so much money to get myself killed.

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    Replies
    1. King is a Maine treasure. Not only a good story teller but an excellent writer that often plays with is prose.

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  4. I've been to Maine three times, the first to Dow Airplane Patch in Bangor. I guess I was lucky in that nothing bad happened those times I was in Maine. Altho, it was interesting to go back and see how the base I was stationed at was now an international airport.

    I guess I can consider myself lucky that I've been to some of the places you mentioned and survived.

    We too have been watching Longmire and Haven which is a good place to stay away from!! Too much weird shit going on there!!

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    Replies
    1. Was recently in Bangor to get my wife's ID updated. Just a small Air Force Reserve detachment on one side of the airport.

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  5. It doesn't help that they call any non-Maine person an 'Outsider'.

    But more importantly, having a mom who has every Murder She Wrote memorized, I've noticed that it's not Cabat Cove that's the issue. Don't be a new friend or relative of Jessica Fletcher. (If you're an old friend, you're safe. You'll be the 1st accused, but she'll get you free.) :D

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  6. Replies
    1. Sorry Jackie Sue. I love having you look at my post and my wife and I follow yours religiously - that is as close to religion as I get - Be assured I will delete any attacks on you - It seems childish to me and if it happens again I will restrict him.
      the Ol'Buzzazrd

      Delete
  7. You forgot Dolores Claiborne dumping her daughter-molesting husband down a well but I don't know the name of the town

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