Damn I’m horny – the wife is watching TV – not interested – there will be no pussy today – hell, I’d settle for a hand job – I’m sure a blowjob is out of the question.
Regardless of the fossil record, the disconnection in sex drives between women and men is all that is needed to disprove intelligent design. On the six day God created man (if that’s so it was a rush job) - and if you believe that, I’ve got a condo in heaven I will sell you cheap. We are led to believe He created women as an afterthought (probably because the animals were complaining about Adams bestiality tendencies.)
I marvel at the faith of Christians – a tornado can come down and turn their double-wide to match sticks, impale their dog on a telephone post and put grandpa in the hospital, but when the TV crew arrives their only comment will be to praise Jesus for delivering them from the storm:, “we’re alive – it’s a miracle.” It never occurs to them that God just took a big dump on them. But: God is love – All creatures grate and small – the Lord God made them all: whales, elephants, horses, dogs, rabbits, mice, the plague, AIDS virus, ebola, dysentery… - Praise Jesus – God the Father – God the Son – God the Holy Ghost – Not a sparrow falls… God is everywhere: God is here, God is in London, God is in France, God is in Jessica’s under pants. Ohhhhh Nooooo – not in Jessica’s underpants – there is only evil there – remember, God says women’s bodies are dirty – women are responsible for original sin - women the fornicators – women the adulterers – women the seducers – women’s butts – women’s vaginas - women’s mouths – women’s tits – women’s nipples … Ohhhhhh Nooooo! Not women’s nipples – man’s nipples ok – women’s nipples nasty – hide the children’s eyes – mustn’t see nipples – Janet Jackson – Ahhhhhhhh! Black women’s nipples – you’ll go blind.
Churches preach that sex is nasty. You won’t go to heaven if you have sex before marriage – or heaven forbid: un-natural sex (an abomination.) We must train the children: abstinence is holy – you can’t get to heaven if you have sex. No wonder that Christians are so frustrated.
Heaven - now there’s a concept. It’s easy to see that man invented religion in order to be able to impose illogical control on the faithful, but it is equally as obvious that women invented heaven. In their heaven there is obviously no sexual submission imposed on them.
You die and find yourself in heaven. St Peter meats you at the gate, “Congratulations, you have made the cut; you are about to enter heaven.”
YOU, “There really is a heaven!”
SP, “Oh yes, it’s real. Now, before you go through the indoctrination do you have any questions I could answer?”
YOU, “Yes, I seem to be hungry, is there food up here?
SP, “Absolutely, we have milk and honey bars.”
YOU, “Any steaks or burgers – how about bacon and eggs or pork chops with fries and onion rings?”
SP, “No, just milk and honey.”
YOU, “Is there whisky, beer or cigars?”
SP, “Of course not. Just milk and honey.”
YOU, “That’s disappointing, what about women?”
SP. “Yes, yes – there are actually more women here then men.”
YOU, “Things are looking up. Is there any restrictions on how we spend our days?”
SP. “It is not exactly restriction, but your days are already planned for you; you sit in the presence of God and sing His praise all day…it’s like being in church all day, nothing can be greater.”
YOU, “But what about sex?”
SP, “No, no, no…none of that. You see, women have no vaginas – they are not necessary here.”
YOU, “That’s not good news; but there is always anal sex (any port in a storm)?”
SP, “None of that either – God doesn’t want to have to deal with sewerage disposal – so you have no anus.”
YOU, “But tits, women still have tits don’t they?”
SP, “Oh yes, but without nipples – dirty, dirty, dirty – God has never liked women’s nipples, so He removed them.”
YOU, “Well, actually oral sex is my preference – women do still have mouths?
SP, “Of course, but sex – no - you see, you will have no penis.”
YOU, “THIS SUX. I’ve been a good Christian all this time and this is what I get for an afterlife?”
SP, “Don’t complain, you could be down in hell. Look at the TV monitor. In hell everyone is necked – they are all fornicating – there is drunkenness and gang bangs and fetishes. All the whores and sluts and adulterers and bikers are down there – it is one continuous drunken orgy – I know it is hard to make out with all that loud rock-and-roll music and the tobacco and pot smoke around the camera, but you are fortunate you have come to heaven. This is your reward as a pious Christian.”
YOU, “No, this is hell!”
SP, “No, this is heaven.
YOU, “No, this is hell!
SP. “You know this is heaven. You were never made to believe otherwise.”
|HELL - RESERVE A SEAT FOR ME.|