Sunday, May 18, 2014

BUZZARD BARF



For some reason I don’t seem to be spending a lot of time on the computer (Blog.)

We have all been there: the urge seems to come and go.   Besides it is spring with all its demands of things that need doing - and also there are still a lot of books to read. 



However I am including a couple of jokes from the book HEIDEGGER AND A HIPPO WALK THROUGH THOSE PEARLY GATES by Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein:



   It got crowded in heaven, so Saint Peter decided to accept only people who’d had a really bad day on the day they died.   On the first morning of the new policy, Saint Peter said to the first man in line, “Tell me about the day you died.”

   The man said, “Oh, it was awful.  I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early from work to catch her in the act.   I searched all over the apartment and couldn't find her lover anywhere.   So finally I went out on the balcony, where I found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips.   So I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands.   He fell, but landed in some bushes and survived.   So I went inside, picked up the refrigerator, and pushed it out over the balcony.   It crushed him, but the strain of hefting the fridge game me a heart attack and I died.”   Saint Peter couldn't deny this was an awful day and that it was a crime of passion, so he let the man enter Heaven.   He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.

   “Well, sir, it was terrible.   I was doing aerobics on the balcony of the apartment when I slipped over the edge.   I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below me but then some maniac came out and started pounding my fingers with a hammer!   I fell, but I landed in some bushes and lived!   But then this guy came out again and dropped a refrigerator on me!   That did it!”

   Saint peter chuckled a bit, and let him into Heaven.   “Tell me about the day you died,” he said to the third man. 

   “Okay, picture this.   I’m naked, hiding in a refrigerator…










   AND THEN THERE WAS THIS FROG...




   Malcom was taking a walk when he saw a frog in the gutter.   He was startled to hear the frog suddenly say to him, “Old man, if you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.   I’ll be yours forever, and we can make mad passionate love every night.”

   Malcom bent down and put the frog in his pocket and continued walking. 

   The frog said, “Hey, I don’t think you heard me.  I said if you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and we can make passionate love every night.”


   Malcom said, “I heard you all right, but at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.    


(You don't need a frog when you'be got a hot wife)
the Ol'Buzzard

5 comments:

  1. Very funny! I like the talking frog one best--probably because I relate.

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  2. The refrigerator joke is now part of my stand up comedy act....In fact, I am translating it into French for my buddies from Albi.....

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  3. Okay, I did it...rather than give you the entire blague en francais, voila, le Punch Line!
    D'accord, D'accord, imaginez cela. J'etait nu, se cachant dans un frigo.......

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COMMENT: Ben Franklin said, "I imagine a man must have a good deal of vanity who believes, and a good deal of boldness who affirms, that all doctrines he holds are true, and all he rejects are false."