THE REAL STORY OF MOSES AND THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

Fundamentalist quote their New Testament, without ever realizing that the book wasn’t put together until 325 A.D.   Of course, by then, the stories had been passed down and modified until they were no more relevant than fairy tales

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The same goes for the Old Testament.  Can you imagine a six-hundred-year-old man and his one-hundred-year-old sons building a boat, and then collecting two of every animal in the world; then sailing in a flood that covered the earth, mixing salt water and fresh water…  and the unicorns missed the boat. 

Wikipedia says that Moses was probably a legendary figure (like King Arthur) and not a historic person.  The main point of the Moses story is the issuance of the Ten Commandments.   Actually, the story happened something like this:

A group of indentured servants, after traveling for six days, fleeing bondage in Egypt, had decided to rest from their travel at the base of Mt. Sinai.   The people spent the day putting together a celebration to thank the Gods, and to boost morale.    As the evening came on and the fires were lit people started to realize that old Moses was missing.

   

Eli, “Moses always wants the recognition, but disappears every time there is work to be done.”

Rachel, “You shouldn’t be so hard on him.  He’s probably off praying.”

Eli, “Praying my ass.    He has probably been dipping into the fermented camel milk and is sleeping it off somewhere on the mountain.”

Moses, who had been dipping into the fermented camel milk, listened from the cover of a shelf above the company.    He overheard everything.   

Moses decides to make an entrance.   “Hear ye, hear ye sinners, I have just returned from the top of the mountain where God summoned me! God told me, that as your leader, you should follow me without question, because only I know Gods plan.” 

 

Eli, “Yeah right.”

One of the scribes, “A God actually spoke to you?   What did he say?”

Moses, “After telling me that I’m the leader and that everyone should follow me without question, HE gave me some rules that were written down on rock tablets, but I dropped them and they broke on the treacherous way down the mountain.  Not to worry though, because I know them by heart.”

One of the scribes, “Maybe we should write all this down.”

Moses, “Yeah, that a good idea.  Write all this down.”

Abe, “Moses, what God were you talking with.”

Moses, “He was the head God, the only God you are to worship.   The one I say.”

The scribe writes: No God but me.

Abe, “What about the cow God?

Moses, “He said if you worship any other god he will kill your children, your grandchildren, your great grandchildren and your great-great grandchildren – to the fourth generation.

The scribe writes Don’t worship the cow.

Jacob, “God damn!”

Moses, “You can’t say that.”

The scribe writes: Don’t swear at God.

Jacob, “We have been traveling for six days.  I know this is important, but can we still have our party tonight?”

Moses, “God says it’s OK.”

The Scribe writes: Party on the seventh day is OK.

Marge, “Moses, what else did God say?”

Moses thinks for a minute, looks at his children, then says, “Children should obey their parents.”

The scribe writes it down

Moses, “And God also said, no murder.

The scribe writes: Murder bad.

From the corner of his eye Moses sees Lev grab a feel of Moses’ wife’s ass.   Moses says, “God said don’t fuck off on your husband.”

The Scribe writes: Adultery.

“What else?” Someone shouts.

Moses is on a roll now.   “You can’t steal.”

The scribe writes it down.

Eli shouts, “Moses, you are full of shit.”

Moses, “That’s a lie, you are not allowed to say that.”

The scribe writes: Can’t call someone a liar.

And Moses adds: Lev, you horn dog, you are always ogling my wife, or my daughters, or my serving girl; even my own ass.  God will get you for that.  

The scribe writes: Don’t covet wife, daughter, serving girl or donkey of neighbor. 

This all took place about one thousand four hundred years B.C.    Over the eons the Ten Commandments have been edited and polished, in order to read better and to keep control of the punters.   

Later that night Moses got drunk on Camel beer and added some more commandments that the scribes didn’t write down:

1.    If you open wine you must drink it all

2.    It is not adultery if it is with a chicken

3.    Don’t use the chicken for the soup

4.    If you see an Arab, drop your drawers and show your ass

5.    It is all right to fart when you feel like it, but especially when you come home in the dark, so your wife can recognize you.

6.    If you take a crap you must wash your crack, and if you don’t have water, use sand.

There may have been more, but the scribes were drunk,  so we may never no. 

the Ol’Buzzard