A ZOMBIE ATTACK ON THE CAPITAL KILLS DEMOCRAT LAWMAKERS.

 

 

One Democrat lawmaker survived today when a hoard of zombies attacked the U. S. Capitol.

 

The lawmakers had been debating whether the report of dead people voting was a real concern, or just a conspiracy theory being circulated by ex-President Donald Trump, Breitbart and Fox news.

 

Members of the Progressive Caucus died first, as they were in the back of the chamber drinking pumpkin lattes and organizing their resistance, claiming that the word zombie was a pejorative slur against Haitian Americans.   

 

Most of the chamber was discussing whether zombies, if they do exist, are protected as a religious exemption under the Constitution.  They were quickly overrun after ignoring the screams of their more liberal members in the rear.  

 

Centrist Democrats were the last to be eaten.  They were in committee investigating the need for an investigation to investigate the zombie claims.   They had planned to write a document of their findings that would declare definitively what everybody else already knew.  They were quickly overrun as most were too old and feeble to flee or offer resistance.

 

No Republicans were injured as they had departed the Capital an hour before the attack.

 

The only Democrat lawmaker to survive was Joe Manchin who departed earlier with the Republicans.

 

There are concerns in the Whitehouse that some members of the Republican Party may have had prior knowledge of the attack, or may have been involved in the planning of the zombie insurgency.

 

President Joe Biden released a statement saying that he feels assured that members of a bipartisan committee, consisting of Republican-friends-from-across-the-aisle and the only remaining Democrat, Joe Manchin, will resolve this issue in a bipartisan way.

 

There is no action expected from the Justice Department, as Merrick Garland seems to be afraid that a decision to investigate and prosecute dead people might be seen as partisan.  

 

This is up-to-the-minute news from the desk of the Ol’Buzzard.   We will attempt to keep you informed as events develop.

 

O’B