This week I attended a funeral – this is the first religious service I have endured in decades. The priest, in his long black robe, quoted from passages of the Bible that were suppose to give us solace and make us feel better about death. Perhaps it did for the immediate family; but, not for the first time I marveled at the unbelievably of the premise: Christ died for you. Christ goes before you to prepare a place for you in his father’s house? He will meet you and welcome you into the kingdom of heaven? And it continued …
OK – God created man in his own image and endowed him with this immortal soul. At what point in the evolutionary process did God say “Ok – that’s me, here is your soul.” Was it Australopithecus Afarensis (Lucy,) Homo Habilis, Homo Erectus; what about Neanderthal – he was very much like us – did he have a soul? Or, do we designate it at some moot point that we call Homo Sapien? Continuing on the thought process (though I know you are not supposed to think regarding religion.) Did this magical soul transference just start at the time of Jesus? Or, if not, do all the generations of man prior to Jesus get grandfathered in – and if so how far back? What about all the non-Christians; do they have a soul? Oh yeah, I forgot – they are going to HELL!
You die and find yourself in heaven. St Peter meats you at the gate, “Congratulations, you have made the cut; you are about to enter heaven.”
YOU, “There really is a heaven!”
SP, “Oh yes, it’s real. Now, before you go through the indoctrination do you have any questions I could answer?”
YOU, “Yes, I seem to be hungry, is there food up here?
SP, “Absolutely, we have milk and honey bars.”
YOU, “Any steaks or burgers – how about bacon and eggs or pork chops with fries and onion rings?”
SP, “No, just milk and honey.”
YOU, “Is there whisky, beer or cigarettes?”
SP, “Of course not. Just milk and honey.”
YOU, “That’s disappointing, what about women?”
SP. “Yes, yes – there are actually more women here then men.”
YOU, “Things are looking up. Is there any restrictions on how we spend our days?”
SP. “It is not exactly restriction, but your days are already planned for you; you sit in the presence of God and sing His praise all day…it’s like being in church all day, nothing can be greater.”
YOU, “But what about sex?”
SP, “No, no, no…none of that. You see, women have no vaginas – they are not necessary here.”
YOU, “That’s not good news; but there is always anal sex (any port in a storm)?”
SP, “None of those either – God doesn’t want to have to deal with sewerage disposal – so you have no anus.”
YOU, “But tits, women still have tits don’t they?”
SP, “Oh yes, but without nipples – dirty, dirty, dirty – God has never liked women’s nipples, so He removed them.”
YOU, “Well, actually oral sex is my preference – women do still have mouths?
SP, “Of course, but sex – no - you see you will have no penis.”
YOU, “THIS SUX. I’ve been a good Christian all this time and this is what I get for an afterlife?”
SP, “Don’t complain, you could be down in hell. Look at the TV monitor. In hell everyone is necked – they are all fornicating – there is drunkenness and gang bangs and fetishes. All the whores and sluts and adulterers and bikers are down there – it is one continuous drunken orgy – I know it is hard to make out with all that loud rock-and-roll music and the tobacco and pot smoke around the camera, but you are fortunate you have come to heaven. This is your reward as a pious Christian.”
YOU, “No, this is hell!”
SP, “No, this is heaven.
YOU, “No, this is hell!
SP. “You know this is heaven. You were never made to believe otherwise.”
Let’s call it like it is: all of these God myths are, and have always been, fairy tales. Humans have a hard time dealing with the fact that there will come a time when they are no more… like the dog, the cat the rat and the cockroach, so they make up these continuation myths for solace; and religious hucksters take advantage of this fear to sell you their brand of “follow me.”
Death is the final debt we owe to nature for our time alive and conscious on this earth. And beside that, heaven without cats - fuck it, I don't want to go.