You die and find yourself in heaven. St Peter meats you at the gate, “Congratulations, you have made the cut; you are about to enter heaven.”
YOU, “There really is a heaven!”
SP, “Oh yes, it’s real. Now, before you go through the indoctrination do you have any questions I could answer?”
YOU, “Yes, I seem to be hungry, is there food up here?
SP, “Absolutely, we have milk and honey bars.”
YOU, “Any steaks or burgers – how about bacon and eggs or pork chops with fries and onion rings?”
SP, “No, just milk and honey.”
YOU, “Is there whisky, beer or cigarettes?”
SP, “Of course not. Just milk and honey.”
YOU, “That’s disappointing, what about women?”
SP. “Yes, yes – there are actually more women here then men.”
YOU, “Things are looking up. Is there any restrictions on how we spend our days?”
SP. “It is not exactly restriction, but your days are already planned for you; you sit in the presence of God and sing His praise all day…it’s like being in church all day, nothing can be greater.”
YOU, “But what about sex?”
SP, “No, no, no…none of that. You see, women have no vaginas – they are not necessary here.”
YOU, “That’s not good news; but there is always anal sex (any port in a storm)?”
SP, “None of those either – God doesn’t want to have to deal with sewerage disposal – so you have no anus.”
YOU, “But tits, women still have tits don’t they?”
SP, “Oh yes, but without nipples – dirty, dirty, dirty – God has never liked women’s nipples, so He removed them.”
YOU, “Well, actually oral sex is my preference – women do still have mouths?
SP, “Of course, but sex – no - you see you will have no penis.”
YOU, “THIS SUX. I’ve been a good Christian all this time and this is what I get for an afterlife?”
SP, “Don’t complain, you could be down in hell. Look at the TV monitor. In hell everyone is necked – they are all fornicating – there is drunkenness and gang bangs and fetishes. All the whores and sluts and adulterers and bikers are down there – it is one continuous drunken orgy – I know it is hard to make out with all that loud rock-and-roll music and the tobacco and pot smoke around the camera, but you are fortunate you have come to heaven. This is your reward as a pious Christian.”
YOU, “No, this is hell!”
SP, “No, this is heaven.
YOU, “No, this is hell!
SP. “You know this is heaven. You were never made to believe otherwise.”
Nut case Harold Camping predicts the end of the world today at 6:30 p.m. - but the real nut cases are the people who believe this bullshit.