Saturday, May 21, 2011

THE END IS NEAR!

THE RAPTURE



You die and find yourself in heaven. St Peter meats you at the gate, “Congratulations, you have made the cut; you are about to enter heaven.”


YOU, “There really is a heaven!”

SP, “Oh yes, it’s real. Now, before you go through the indoctrination do you have any questions I could answer?”

YOU, “Yes, I seem to be hungry, is there food up here?

SP, “Absolutely, we have milk and honey bars.”

YOU, “Any steaks or burgers – how about bacon and eggs or pork chops with fries and onion rings?”

SP, “No, just milk and honey.”

YOU, “Is there whisky, beer or cigarettes?”

SP, “Of course not. Just milk and honey.”

YOU, “That’s disappointing, what about women?”

SP. “Yes, yes – there are actually more women here then men.”

YOU, “Things are looking up. Is there any restrictions on how we spend our days?”

SP. “It is not exactly restriction, but your days are already planned for you; you sit in the presence of God and sing His praise all day…it’s like being in church all day, nothing can be greater.”

YOU, “But what about sex?”

SP, “No, no, no…none of that. You see, women have no vaginas – they are not necessary here.”

YOU, “That’s not good news; but there is always anal sex (any port in a storm)?”

SP, “None of those either – God doesn’t want to have to deal with sewerage disposal – so you have no anus.”

YOU, “But tits, women still have tits don’t they?”

SP, “Oh yes, but without nipples – dirty, dirty, dirty – God has never liked women’s nipples, so He removed them.”

YOU, “Well, actually oral sex is my preference – women do still have mouths?

SP, “Of course, but sex – no - you see you will have no penis.”

YOU, “THIS SUX. I’ve been a good Christian all this time and this is what I get for an afterlife?”

SP, “Don’t complain, you could be down in hell. Look at the TV monitor. In hell everyone is necked – they are all fornicating – there is drunkenness and gang bangs and fetishes. All the whores and sluts and adulterers and bikers are down there – it is one continuous drunken orgy – I know it is hard to make out with all that loud rock-and-roll music and the tobacco and pot smoke around the camera, but you are fortunate you have come to heaven. This is your reward as a pious Christian.”

YOU, “No, this is hell!”

SP, “No, this is heaven.

YOU, “No, this is hell!

SP. “You know this is heaven. You were never made to believe otherwise.”



Nut case Harold Camping predicts the end of the world today at 6:30 p.m. -  but the real nut cases are the people who believe this bullshit.
 
 
Damn! I was hoping they would all dissappear.
 

5 comments:

  1. Well, hell yeah. I have been saying this shit for years. We've got it all backwards, hell is where we want to be...that is, if you/one likes living. Seriously.

    Fuck a bunch of streets of gold if my dick fell off and there's no decent merlot available. What the hell kind of heaven is that?

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  2. For years I've wished there really was a Hell for the likes of Falwell, Robertson and their ilk. This is based on the fire and brimstone version of hell. Now if hell is where all the fun is at, may they all go to heaven!!

    What's interesting is how hell is defined depends on what region of the world they are from. The religions that started in the Middle-East say hell is hot. Those in the North say hell is extreme cold!!

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  3. Jaded: you bring the wine I'll bring the weed...Kulkuri: Iulkuri - guaranteed to be pasty there.
    Ol Buzzard

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  4. Well that was a boring rapture. I did have a persistent dream about a zombie apocalypse last night though but I think I can thank the ‘news’ for that one as well…

    So what’s next? Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!?

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  5. Susan: They would probably like to go back to burning witches; and this time include abortion doctors and their patients, gay couples, and people of different religions. They want to take the country back - to the dark ages.
    Ol'Buzzard

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COMMENT: Ben Franklin said, "I imagine a man must have a good deal of vanity who believes, and a good deal of boldness who affirms, that all doctrines he holds are true, and all he rejects are false."